Waiting

It was a chilly night. There was no moon, and the faint fluorescent lights from signboards and street food carts illuminated the otherwise dark streets. The LRT’s blue-white light shined starkly across the dimness. I hurriedly walked towards it, hoping that I did not miss the last train for tonight.

I walk through the semi-busy street, lined with street food cars, catering to an assortment of individuals looking for a cheap hot meal. I felt the hunger in my stomach, but I can’t afford to make a stop, I might miss the train.

Home was at least two cities away; I have no choice but to make it in time. The thought of my fatigued body lying down on the bed, is enough to boost me as I endure my long commute towards home. I still had a long way to go, but I’m used to it by now.

When I was a student, I fantasized about not having to commute. I got drunk on the fantasy that as soon as I was able to earn my own money, I wouldn’t have to endure these long walks and the long lines, the cramped spaces that had you breath the same air that others exhaled. Back then, I didn’t take into consideration that you had to pay bills, buy groceries and the endless race of trying to keep up with the cost of living. I suppose the years had sobered me. Reality has a way of waking you up, but there are days I feel hung-over. My head hurts, and I’m barely coherent with what's happening around me.

Today was one of those days, Another day just passed me-by.

I used to panic at the thought of a day passing by without making it productive or memorable, It didn’t matter what I did, who I was with, what mattered was that I did something about it. I was restless.

I was satisfied with my self-expectations with what I could be because I thought the world was easy if you work hard enough. I woke up today like I was on auto-pilot.

I’m luckier than most, I guess. I have a bed, a home, food, clothes, and all those other things that people say when you open up about your sadness. This too shall pass, You’re so blessed and other things like that.

I reached the station in one piece. I feel so elated waiting for the next train to come. I pass the time thinking of the cold shower that would wash away the stickiness off me. I felt weak, but a little more enduring and I can finally rest.

I was standing by the tracks, fervently waiting for the train lights to pop through from the black abyss of where the station ends.

The security personnel showed up, approaching people and some of them walked towards the exit. My chest sank as he made his way towards me.

He informed me politely that the last train for tonight wasn’t coming, and that the next train would come-in at 4am. His face looked like how I felt. Tired.

I smiled at him, and he gestured me a goodnight.

I stood still, while other people walked past me. I couldn’t walk anymore, my legs forbid it at this point. I walked so far to get here.

I stared into the tracks, while I sank deep into my thoughts, waiting for something that’s not coming.